Last week, a rumor surfaced in the celebrity-gossip newsletter Popbitch, claiming that a recent guest at Gwyneth Paltrow’s home had an unfortunate accident in bed and left before facing the consequences. The story quickly spread throughout the Hamptons, with tales of “Ozempic-induced diarrhea” being the talk of the town.
The Daily Mail later published a more detailed report on the incident, but out of respect, we will not name the individuals involved. If someone finds themselves in a situation where they have an accident at a friend’s house and are unable to confess, we can only wish them well.
The question now is, what is the proper etiquette for handling such a situation in a millionaire’s guesthouse? Running away is certainly not the answer, as it only leads to gossip among celebrities like Oprah, Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld, and Larry David. Instead, there are three options to consider.
Firstly, the most reasonable option is to tell Gwyneth. It may be embarrassing, but it’s the only way to potentially salvage the friendship. Paltrow is no stranger to cleanses and would likely be understanding and want to help.
Secondly, if you really don’t want to talk to Paltrow about it, you could throw money at the issue. Rent a van, dispose of the soiled sheets and mattress, and replace them with a nicer mattress and identical sheets. This way, when Paltrow sees the footage, you can claim it was a gift to her.
Lastly, if you’re truly committed to avoiding the situation, you could go into witness protection or even resort to light arson. This way, no one will ever know about your gastrointestinal issues.
In conclusion, if you find yourself in a similar predicament at Goop’s guesthouse, consider these options carefully and choose the one that best suits your situation.